Day 12:

June 29, 2024

It was an up and down day. I woke up with something I thought was a bug bite on my back, and it hurt like hell. At the same time, my chest hurt, if I moved, laid certain ways, or breathed deeply. My sister came by and checked it out. There was no bite, just some moles, none of which were inflamed, red or anything. And they didn’t hurt when she touch, only when she pressed on the one in particular.

The chest pain is hard to explain, but it wasn’t like a heart attack. It felt as if someone had beaten me. It was a bone and muscle pain, not a heart or breathing pain.

I also started having the burning in my mouth again. I felt feverish, grumbling about not buying a new talking thermometer the moment I discovered mine was no longer working.

So, I called the oncology off hours number. I got through to a Dr. Lee pretty quickly. He set my mind at ease. He wasn’t too worried about the chest pain, since by then I could take a deep breath and it didn’t hurt much, until I got to the end of the deep breath. He told me if it continued or got worse to go to the hospital. I haven’t had to do that yet, so give me a gold star. He was concerned about the mouth pain and said that if it got worse I should give myself a day off from the chemo pills and call Dr. Z today. By then the mouth burning was better, so I have not called and have continued to take the meds. It feels like every day it’s something new, or something old back around for a new visit! Ain’t life grand? I was glad, however, to have that off hours number as a resource. It put all our minds at ease about that day anyway.

While Rosie was here, we talked about the future. Doug does have to go home for a while, probably in mid-august, following the first set of post pill popping scans, to see if the meds are doing anything for the cancer yet. When he does go home, Rosie and her husband are going to come and stay with me. They’re not comfortable with the idea of me being alone right now. Some days I feel so horrible. Often I write this journal as a series of points, describing what specific side effects I had today. But sometimes, I just feel bad, weak, sick, shaky. My shower is hard to get in and out of, and everyone will feel better if I’m not alone for a little while. Well, not for days upon days anyway. I can’t think of anything more wonderful than having Rosie and Chris and their two dogs here! And oh the incredible feeling of knowing I am not going through this alone, knowing how much I am loved, and how deeply people want to stand by me. Sure, I’m the one with the cancer, and to paraphrase an old folk song,

“I’ve got to walk this lonesome valley,

I’ve got to walk it by myself,

No, nobody else can walk it for me,

I’ve got to walk it by myself.”

That may all be true. But though I have to walk this path, it doesn’t mean there aren’t loved ones who will hold my hand as I walk, who will catch me when I stumble on the path.

The greatest blessing God gives us is friendship. And I have been so richly blessed in mine. Doug, Joylene, and Rosie. My life would be empty and bare without them. Joylene will probably come for a visit later this summer or fall. Rosie, yes, she’s my sister, but she is also one of my best friends. I am teary as I write about these three, because they are strengths and comforts given me, maybe for this exact time.

Day 14:

July 1, 2024

Yesterday, there wasn’t much to speak of in terms of chemo reactions. I actually cooked! I have a delicious recipe for a zucchini and mozzarella pie, and Doug and I made that together. I admit, I hit the wall when the food came out of the oven. Thank God for the amazon smart oven, so I didn’t have to heat up my house baking a pie! You know that level of tired, where you absolutely cannot do one more thing? That was me. And from the standing to do the preparing, my feet were so sore, arthritis sore. They are still sore today. I was too tired to eat, happens to me, and I think loss of appetite is definitely aside effect of chemo I’ve gotten big time. At 7 in the evening I went to bed. I was that exhausted. I slept till around five this morning. I even got up in the night to use the bathroom and still went back to sleep. That’s even with the double flushing and the required disinfectant wipes on surfaces. Yes, that’s all required because of the fact that these pills are a wee bit radio active! Yee haw! Can I work that into my “drinkin’ beer through a straw” song?

Today, oh today. I have felt miserable all day. Feverish again. My hands have hurt off and on, with that feeling like I put them in too hot water or spilled hot melted cheese or wax on them. Here’s where my history works against me. I tend to ignore this pain. I have to remind myself that this is considered a serious side effect and I should immediately stop what I’m doing and lotion up. But if I’m in the midst of something, like typing maybe, I tend to ignore. Add this to the list of things to discuss with Dr. Z on Wednesday! I’ve also had a little bit of diarrhea today, but that might have finished already.

I also notice my voice, it feels weak and sounds weak to me. sometimes, when I’m talking to someone, it will just go out on me. Poof it’s gone. Got to remember to add that to the beer through a straw song and to tell Dr. Z.

In other words, today has just been a shit day! Grumble grumble. Tomorrow has got to be better. But today, I feel like someone who is taking chemo, more that I have at any time before. Two weeks of straight chemo pills; third week begins tomorrow. Wow. seems weird I’ve already been doing this for two weeks!

And by the way, I’m going to eat leftover zucchini pie tonight. Damn it! I’m gonna. I want it.