RESTLESS

Restless. I’m so damn restless. I want the results of my biopsy, and I want them now! It is so hard to wait for information. I wonder if I always wanted to know things when I was a kid, because I know as an adult I certainly do, especially if it pertains to me. When I read books I prefer the third person omniscient point of view, meaning that I like knowing what all the characters are doing and thinking. And now, it is my body, my cancer, my body, and I want to know! I know I won’t see my doctor until June 10, but I can read the results, do research on anything I don’t know, prepare myself if it looks bad. I just want to know. So, yeah, I’m restless. And I’m anxious.

In a way, this is a weird mood for me. Meaning this restlessness makes me want to *do something, and *do something crazy, outrageous, expensive, unhealthy or weird. I want to go buy something extravagant, something I want but my commitment to living within my means might not allow. I want to go shop for pretty sandals for the summer, or for clothes I really don’t need. I want to go to the beach. I want to walk on a beach, even though walking on the beach has become difficult for me. I want to go to the Santa Cruz boardwalk, or pier 39, or Muir Woods or somewhere I don’t go anymore but used to love, a nice long walk where I don’t feel stressed out. I want to go eat out, at a Greek restaurant, a French restaurant, a burger joint, an Italian restaurant, or a place with really good steak, or just a place for decadent desserts! I want to go to a movie theater, eat buttery popcorn, and either laugh until I can hardly breathe, or cry until I’m practically ill from it, or both! Or a live theater show that will touch every part of my soul. I want to drink wine or margaritas and talk my heart out. I want to read something, just something, that occupies me so deeply, so fully, that even cancer can’t distract me from the power of the book. I want to breathe, play, and just run, run away from the fear and the waiting, and just forget myself for a while. To be not calm, to be not under control, to be a little bit wild and crazy and do it with all my might!

Yeah, I’m just restless and so very tired of it all.