Thoughts on My Cancer

May 2, 2024

I’m sitting here today, drinking a latte and contemplating my cancer. As it has spread from kidney to lung, it is now stage four cancer and considered extremely serious. I have pain under my ribs, from the left lun area, I guess. It’s not extreme yet, but I grew up in pain and have lived with chronic pain all my life. I tend to ignore pain and almost not notice it. But I notice this. It’s not constant, but it’s more there than not, whereas two months ago, it was not there more than it was there.

It’s scary to think of having stage four cancer. When it was kidney cancer three years ago, hey presto, do a quick little surgery to remove a sick kidney and go on our merry way. It was stage three then, and now it’s spread and it’s stage four. Every time I hear of stage four cancer it’s a serious thing. I’ve looked up info on my type of cancer. No, not on worthless, meant to terrify internet sites, but excellent info and books on kidney cancer. And I’m, “freaking petrified” to quote my favorite movie, character Elliot Garfield as played by Richard Dreyfuss in THE GOODBYE GIRL. Knowing how few treatment options there are for me, few as in one treatment, I’m yes, freaking petrified. I can’t help it. I am staying as positive as I can, and I’m trying to keep busy—yes, actually writing again—but I am a bloody human being with bloody human emotions and I’m just plain damn scared.

I watched my dad die slowly, painfully, extremely agonizingly painfully, and died partly in my heart when he left us forever. No, it’s a different type of cancer, but when you realize you have stage four, you think of all the people you’ve know who haven’t survived it. Dad. Jim from the choir I was in at a church in San diego, and young twenty something guy who died of liver cancer in a couple months. And on and on it goes, the noise constanly running around in my head, like a hampster on a wheel.

I HATE THIS!!!! Why me? Why God, why me? Wasn’t it enough to be blessed from birth with JRA? Did this have to come along as well? I scream that in my mind and heart, even while I know this has nothing to do with God. As I said, I am a bloody human being, and we have bodies that don’t stay healthy forever and ever amen. I allow myself to have these periods of fear and anger, because it’s not healthy to conpress and hide my true feelings, even from myself, as I usually do. It’s okay to feel these things, and I am giving myself permission to feel them and express them. It’s why I’m writing this journey in a blog.

Anyway, that’s where my head is today. A week from today is the biopsy, and we’ll take it from there. One day at a time. Here I go.